A Bunch of Mess in My Mind

I just posted this on my Moments, knowing that no one will probably see it anyway.

Lately, I’ve encountered many new people and new things. They have given me a lot of unrealistic fantasies and attempts, making me feel as though success is within reach on one hand, yet incredibly challenging on the other.

Yes, recently I’ve entertained the idea of studying abroad. Not to mention the exorbitant tuition fees, just the vast amount of knowledge and skills required is enough to intimidate anyone, let alone the high tuition fees and difficult-to-grasp language…

Today, a friend who is planning to study abroad asked me, “Since you want to study abroad, your family must be fairly well-off, right? It can’t be too poor.” The pressure from this statement is immense. I am well aware of how terrifying economic pressure can be, often becoming the last straw that breaks the camel’s back, frequently pushing people into desperate situations. The reason for wanting to become stronger is to become wealthy, yet the path to wealth has never been straightforward. Wealthy people always seem to find ways to continue being wealthy. Those in poverty struggle in vain…

I know, of course, that there are various ways to manage wealth, but who doesn’t want to become even wealthier on that basis? I can say that half of a person’s happiness comes from wealth, without which, it’s just empty promises made to parents for their retirement, painting a beautiful future life for a girlfriend, and creating many illusions for oneself.

Sigh, do all people start to retreat when they encounter difficulties?

In the eyes of others, I am always that child who takes unconventional paths. I always want to stand out in the crowd, but I am also very anxious. I rush and panic, which leads to my confusion.

People often say, “Wow, you’re really talented.” But I often bungle even the smallest tasks, making a mess of things. I’m afraid, so I disguise my ignorance and incompetence by pretending to understand things I know nothing about. Is this a state that everyone experiences? I feel unworthy of accepting something better, a better future.

Once I start doing something “strange,” I become afraid – afraid that I won’t do it well, afraid that I won’t be able to live up to my words, afraid that all the wonderful dreams of youth are just illusions, and I am the person pretending to be asleep, unwilling to wake up.