Saturday, January 28, 2023
Recent Conversations with My Uncle
Recently, I’ve had many conversations with my uncle. Since childhood, my uncle and aunt have actually taken care of me a lot. I remember when I was young and got into trouble, my uncle and aunt were always there to intervene. Despite this, over the years, there hasn’t been much opportunity for extensive communication with them. Even during annual visits for Chinese New Year, it’s always brief and perfunctory, as if just going through the motions. In my memory, New Year’s was all about oranges, countless oranges, the warmth of the heated brick bed contrasting with the harsh cold outside, waking up every morning with dusty faces and runny noses. Then there were the gatherings around a tiny television, making idle jokes with dirty faces and a nonchalant air. Although they were meant as jokes, each word felt like a deep mockery and sarcasm, as biting as the winter winds in our hometown. Every word, every phrase, felt like a personal attack, leaving me impatient and unwilling to listen, with no playmates except for my younger brother by my side.
Every year, the whole family would return to our rural hometown for Chinese New Year. However, my brother always had to leave early due to my aunt’s special work commitments. He would usually leave on the afternoon or evening of New Year’s Eve, and sometimes even as early as the afternoon of the second day of the New Year. The extended and boring time I spent at home during these visits was excruciating. When I was younger, I couldn’t watch TV freely as I wished, especially during school breaks. I always watched nervously, either being urged by my mother to do homework or called by my father to do some trivial tasks – in any case, being labeled as the “idle one,” their hearts felt extremely unbalanced.
So, I would just wander back and forth in that tiny space, sometimes tidying up the bed, sometimes wiping the table. I would move around in that small space. They were busy and happy, seemingly immersed in the New Year festivities, while I, on the other hand, could only feel the essence of “New Year” during the red envelope exchanges and the New Year’s greetings.
I didn’t have much attachment or emotion towards new clothes because I couldn’t afford to buy clothes that I really liked. For the sake of the family, I had to prioritize low-priced options. This behavior had deeply ingrained itself into my thinking and habits. Every time I made a purchase, I would first visit the second-hand market to “treasure hunt.” My father seemed excited about this behavior, amazed that I could find good items at such low prices, as if he had discovered something extraordinary. But I knew deep down that every penny saved for peace of mind now would result in a huge loss in the future. However, I had no choice. After all, their principle was: if it’s too expensive, don’t buy it. I didn’t blame their choice, but I found it difficult to accept their behavior of avoiding difficulties. I didn’t ask for expensive items or make unreasonable demands. I didn’t see any problem with a child asking for food during meal times. This discussion diverges too far from the topic of Chinese New Year. From start to finish, I couldn’t perceive any “good” or “joy” in it. It was a chaotic and unpleasant time, where everyone gathered with forced smiles and unpleasant expressions, which they called “New Year.” I couldn’t feel any joy or happiness. Instead, it felt like an excuse to forcibly take me back.
Regarding the atmosphere and social customs in my hometown, apart from my aunts and uncles, hardly anyone came to visit for the New Year. My brother and I only had three places to visit, and there were no relatives to visit within the year. Therefore, there were no worries about visiting relatives. Instead, we would spend days together, watching as the sun set. Calling this waste of time, spent in confusion and aimlessness, “New Year,” I don’t know what kind of tradition this is. Thanks to the internet, I know what others’ New Year celebrations are like, and what New Year should be like. I can only tolerate this kind of New Year now, but back in my childhood, I absolutely couldn’t. Years of habit have made me indifferent towards “New Year.” All I see are elders standing on a moral high ground, condemning everything and performing like clowns. What I learn is not meant for showing off or being a topic of conversation. My studies are serious to me, not your financial status. I can easily waste it all because it’s your obligation to support me.
Brief Account of My Younger Brother
My younger brother has always been good to me, even though I used to bully him when I was younger. However, he seems to have no recollection of that and simply calls me “brother,” which makes me feel ashamed.
I don’t consider myself a responsible older brother.
My brother has grown to be tall and strong, over six feet, at the age of 15, a time when he’s starting to assert himself. Despite this, my uncle and aunt’s family is very harmonious. I rarely argue with my parents, but my impression of home has always been cold and distant. I often treat them with seriousness, rarely, if ever, joking with my parents, as it’s not a habit I’ve developed. In my mind, I see only my mother’s furrowed brows and my father’s disdainful looks. I don’t think it’s a good thing, but I don’t blame them either. I never talk back, but my resistance often manifests in actions. I never expected to achieve anything through verbal arguments because they were unreasonable, at least in my opinion (there were significant reasons why I lacked “reasoning”). So, I would silently resist through my actions.
It used to be difficult to understand the concept of “unable to speak” or “inability to communicate” and “inability to express oneself.” It wasn’t until later, when I reflected on my childhood and adolescence, that I realized my behavior was actually quite introverted. Therefore, during this time, seeing my brother’s interactions and behavior with my family, I feel very envious and relieved. He hasn’t experienced the same kind of childhood as I did, so our futures are destined to be different.
My uncle and aunt always want me to educate him, but there’s really
nothing to teach. I myself am ignorant about the world, often at a loss when faced with a mentally healthy and strong-minded teenager. My brother is far superior to me in many ways. He has a strong mental foundation, a healthy personality, and the right values instilled by the family. He won’t be easily defeated by anything in the future. He has good habits of physical exercise, which will help him stay motivated for years to come.
I don’t know what I can teach him, nor do I expect to teach him anything. Everyone will find their own path in life, but I can see that he will face life’s trivialities and the challenges of society with a calm and steady spirit.
Best wishes!
