February 27, 2023
After much thought, I finally feel willing to write something.
I always thought that enduring would make things better in the end. How naive. Is it because others think you can endure that they treat you like this?
The recent period of despondency has left my writing inspiration nearly depleted. I can’t even articulate logically strong arguments, indicating that emotions still have a significant impact on me.
Should I start by summarizing the previous relationship? Although I’m still not eager to face it.
One can objectively evaluate something in their mind, but cannot objectively act on it. This is what I’ve learned this time. Objectively speaking, we both have issues. I’m too accommodating and weak, she doesn’t value emotions enough, lacks responsibility… It’s best not to make any excuses or justifications for one’s actions; it’s pointless. Facing and acknowledging them is best. The separation taught me that I only need to change myself; I’ve endured too much, set my moral standards too low, and underestimated human nature too much.
Today is already the end of February, and the new semester has been in session for a week. Everyone seems to be facing the new semester with enthusiasm. But I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, lacking the drive and vigor I used to have, and I’m not hearing any echoes to many of the stones I’ve thrown out. In the second half of my sophomore year, with fewer courses, the abundance of free time leaves me a bit lost, I don’t know where to start.
I’ve started to ponder the essence of college, the meaning of my college education, and the despair of this forward-thinking consciousness. I’m starting to feel that my ideas seem ridiculous. It seems like I’m doing something with an extremely low chance of success, doing something very novel, doing something with a 90% failure rate but still full of hope. I didn’t consider the feasibility of what I was doing enough. Today, I took a personality test and it said I’m an INFP, and while the description may not be absolutely accurate, one point resonated with me: these types of people have extremely strong idealism. Ironically, not only did I deceive myself, but I also deceived my friends and family.
Looking back, perhaps luck played some role along the way, but it doesn’t really decide anything, nor does it represent anything. It only indicates that I’m relatively lucky, or perhaps I’m relatively good at taking advantage of opportunities. Recognizing this, I see the future more clearly, but I’m still very confused about the next steps. I don’t know what to do next, which way to go, and this plunges me into anxiety. Perhaps this kind of anxiety seems ridiculous to others. After all, it stems from my ridiculous pride and face, from my desire for recognition from everyone. Of course, I’m also trying to overcome this anxiety, trying to break free from this psychological state where I believe everyone is paying attention to me.
I feel like my procrastination ability is gradually growing. I remember when I was younger, when asked to do something or when I wanted to do something, I would immediately act without any delay. As long as I hadn’t finished, I would be anxious all the time. Later, I found that only I was anxious like this, only I acted so quickly, and the result of me completing these tasks was: others would assign you more things to do, which I thought was smart and efficient, but now I know it’s called being stupid.
Later, I started to procrastinate more and more. I found that even if I procrastinated for days, the sky wouldn’t fall, and I would only do things when I absolutely had to. I had to be pushed to the brink before I would act, and then I would act in haste. For a long time, I couldn’t seem to find any group entertainment activities, and the activities they considered entertainment, I didn’t seem to like at all, I didn’t seem to feel entertained.
Indeed, as Kong Yiji couldn’t take off his long gown, haha.