March 12, 2023

“Nothing is impossible; the capacity for self-deception is infinite.”

Suddenly, I wonder, why should I burden every day of my current life with the unknowns of the next 30 years?

To eat the next meal well, to do the next task well, to walk each step well, to witness each sunrise accurately. Specifically, it’s about eating what’s in the bowl, doing what needs to be done, walking the path beneath my feet, and enjoying whether it’s sunset or dusk, sunrise or nightfall. It’s easier said than done, especially for someone like me who always shrinks from the future…

I should gradually accomplish one thing at a time; after all, taking too big a step is likely to trip over myself.

While brushing my teeth tonight, my mind wandered again. I wasn’t focused on brushing my teeth. It seems difficult for me to focus on the task itself when doing many things, forgetting what I’m doing and what I’m about to do, forgetting the meaning of what I’m doing.

The day before yesterday, I watched a play at the National Grand Theatre called “Every Brilliant Thing” (I think that’s the name; I forgot). The play narrated every little thing the protagonist recorded from childhood to adulthood, describing his mother’s depression and his own struggle with depression.

Before watching the play, I already thought about the theme it would explore. However, obviously, it didn’t try to change anything through the play or attempt to awaken or resonate with anything, nor did it try to heal the audience. It vividly depicted scenes. After all, we are all so different, and the reasons for encountering or causing illness are also very different. What could a 100-minute play achieve in successfully changing anything? But I sincerely hope that it quietly planted a seed in my heart, quietly changed myself, and quietly healed myself.

Yesterday, Beijing was shrouded in a sandstorm, turning a sunny afternoon into a yellow sand-filled haze, imprinting a gray-yellow world in my mind. My world seems to be like this, black and white, lifeless, like taking a mouthful of sand.

Last night, I talked a lot with friends about what “betrayal” means, what “human nature” is, and also about what “liking” and “love” mean. In my opinion, humans are the most unreliable thing, there is no way to have a concept of anything, each person’s concept is different, even without commonality, what common criteria and standards can exist between humans is something I have always been very curious about: Why would there be such criteria or standards to exist? The gap between people is an insurmountable chasm. I don’t understand.

Vaguely, I remember that on March 12th last year, I had just started learning about cybersecurity, and something happened that greatly affected me. To shake off the influence of that incident, I quickly immersed myself in a new industry and content: I wanted to prove my abilities, I wanted to prove myself to others. Perhaps this was one of the reasons and motivations, of course, there were other factors and motivations involved. Various factors led me to quickly immerse myself in studying cybersecurity, and I was really “reckless” and “obsessed” at that time. Looking back now, it was truly rare.

Actually, I’m quite “more determined after setbacks”. I remember myself from childhood, unable to accept any criticism, only accepting praise, unable to tolerate any sarcasm or belittlement. Once I heard or felt such things, I would become exceptionally rebellious and must do something to prove myself. Quite rebellious indeed. But looking at myself now, I’m quite indifferent, accepting many things I couldn’t accept before. It’s like being among a group of tunas, no fish to keep me fresh, unable to find excitement or freshness, unable to find any pleasure in it. Perhaps still unable to tolerate others’ criticisms and harsh words, but also admitting my own dullness.

Written after sleeping for 20 hours, on my MacBook Pro 235.