March 20, 2023

“I should set off, there’s still so much to do.”

I always anticipate setting off, yet the path beneath my feet remains unchanged.

It seems like I’ve been contemplating for a long, long time, pulling myself out countless times only to push myself back in, constantly looking back at the light while walking towards the abyss.

Perhaps to others, it appears more like a kind of silent groaning, more like self-degradation. I try to understand, to comprehend everything at once, to let myself suffer completely once and for all. I want to feel the pain entirely, to have no escape after the pain, to have no fear after the cowardice, to rid myself of the meaningless fear from the depths.

The definitions of many things and the nature of events seem to have been redefined in my mind. It’s as if I don’t recognize this world anymore. I curiously observe this black and white world, I curiously explore its morality, I curiously test its laws. I find there’s no law, no morality, and no color. There’s happiness, and there’s sorrow. There’s rational joy, and there’s irrational sorrow.

Unfortunately, spring in Beijing is too late, too late. There’s no “gentle breeze brushing against the willows,” only strong winds blowing people away and the yellowish sand and dust. That world of only yellow, a world filled with sand and dust, it’s unforgettable, I simply can’t forget it because it’s too alike, incredibly alike …like the world in my eyes.

Sometimes, it feels like I’m fighting with myself, the rational self against the sinking self, fighting the nightmares of that self. I often feel like I can’t defeat it, I often feel like I’m about to lose, like I can’t save myself anymore, or perhaps, that I’ve already silently laid down under the soil one day, immersed in the world of flowers, leaves, birds, and insects. Only leaving behind an empty shell drifting in the vast world of sand.

It seems like I’m waiting for something, I can’t explain what I’m waiting for. I just don’t want to set off, maybe I feel like the road is too long, or maybe, I feel like the road is too lonely. Perhaps I’m waiting for a rest stop, or perhaps, I’m waiting for a friend to accompany me on the journey.

The day before yesterday, I went to the flower shop to buy flowers and ran into a boy making a bouquet.

I saw that he used pink roses and white baby’s breath. It was his first time seeing me, and he suddenly asked for my opinion. I said, it might be a bit abrupt, the white baby’s breath and the pink roses, it’s a bit abrupt, you can add some daisies to transition, and then add two eucalyptus leaves to give the bouquet some linearity.

Soon, the bouquet was ready, and the boy happily took it and left.

The shopkeeper said that before I arrived, the boy had already paired up the flowers four times. The shopkeeper and the boy’s friends kept giving suggestions, and he kept hesitating.

I said, perhaps he’s cautious, maybe it’s his first time meeting a girlfriend or he’s serious and meticulous for the first time chasing a girl, you can tell he’s thoughtful.

The shopkeeper said, no, this boy is very indecisive, he doesn’t know what he wants, so he keeps asking us. We gave him reasonable advice, but he didn’t take it. He started listening to you once you arrived, he was satisfied with your analysis and explanation, so we didn’t say anything and just wanted to send him away quickly.

I said, oh, I thought he just arrived, I mentioned he’s a science student, I thought he’s the type of rigorous and meticulous science student.

“Being rigorous and meticulous is completely different from having no opinion. He’s like a swaying grass, not sure what he wants, not sure what beauty is, and doesn’t trust friends and shopkeepers, so he keeps doubting and hesitating.”

I nodded, ordered four flowers, paired them with blue and white baby’s breath and daisies, and added eucalyptus leaves.

But please, let this bouquet remain in yesterday, never wither away.

Please let it exist in my heart forever in full bloom, never to wither.

Written in room 303.