May 14, 2023

My spring and the warm sunshine arrived too quickly, too hastily, catching me off guard. In the blink of an eye, it’s already early summer, soon to enter the peak of summer. Indeed, I still very much like summer. Summer can bring many wonderful things and also happiness.

Mengmeng and I have been together for over a month now, but it feels like we’ve known each other for a very long time. This period has been very hectic, to the extent that I haven’t had time to write records. Every day passes so fulfilling, to the point where I can’t remember my dark and humid side, nor can I recall the times I lived in embarrassment. But as usual, I still need to document.

I wasn’t willing to elaborate too much. These things are only feelings of the moment, once transformed into words, they lose their essence. This is one reason, and the second is that I may gradually not want to record other things in my introspective records anymore.

Recently, there’s indeed a need to write some things, probably: “After a person falls into a trough, they will also quickly rise to a peak.” Perhaps this is something inherent in me, but with the appearance of a trough, the peak seems taller and more dramatic. Now, I seem to be more steady. I’m grateful for my pain over the past two months, pain makes one grow, and growth does indeed cause pain.

Sometimes I’m afraid of using up all my luck, so I’ve been lowering my expectations, quietly improving my abilities, making myself more competitive, letting myself settle down. Although the word “settling down” seems to have been stigmatized recently, I still think it makes sense.

Now, there’s an interesting contradiction: On the one hand, I criticize various physical conditions and structures in China. But on the other hand, I seem to be good at taking advantage of opportunities here, I seem to be good at surviving within this structure, even though I know there are significant problems.

I still feel my characteristics are: having an interest in many things and possessing sensitive insight, but lacking talent and unable to develop deeply. In summary: all mediocre. But my advantage is having a keen sense of smell, where here the smell refers to the sense of business opportunities (seems to have a sense of smell).

After gradually gaining a clearer understanding of my abilities, I’m even more confused. How should I choose? Both ways of thinking are about seeking benefits and avoiding harm, are from a rational perspective, and are fully considered situations.